I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
