I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
