So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
