i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize