im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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