So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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