She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
