exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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