the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
