he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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