fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize