Life is so much better after having sex.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
