I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ttyl tear gas
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
