i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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