i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
