why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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