dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize