atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
