Can i not drive my cunt home
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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