new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
