I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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