once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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