wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
