I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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