Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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