I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
