I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
