What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Four minutes until I can fart!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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