I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just blew my weed a kiss
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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