i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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