I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
