I puked a lego.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
