Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
