let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
