I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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