So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
