he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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