Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
