My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just threw up on my dentist
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
