Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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