We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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