I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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