apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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