weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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