Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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