For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
