why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is wine microwaveable?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
