So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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