Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to make a zoo with you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
