Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
