Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize