Moan for me like Helen Keller
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize