Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
