it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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