I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
