You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I stole a fireplace last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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