I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
