That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
