I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
