Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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