Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have fence marks all over my body
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize