just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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