I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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