he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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