dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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