Don't make out with my wife yet
...so i touched it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
