She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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