My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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