this beer tastes like vomit already
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
