my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
