I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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