they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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