yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
