I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
3pm strippers are depressing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
