I'm really into asian looking animals
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
